A fresh day ahead of me. What am I going to do.
I have been wanting to make a bracelet. Yes a black bracelet with Immaculate Conception medals interspersed in it. Sounds weird I know, but it is beautiful in my minds eye.
I am going to sign up for some classes for the Spring Semester at the Community College. Yes get in touch with my artistic side. Drawing from the Right Side of your Brain is one that has peaked my interest.
I have a jigsaw puzzled started on the dining room table. I could work on that.
I need a few things at the market.
Whats for dinner tonight? Might as well menu plan for the week while am at it and going to the store anyway.
There are 4 or 5 library books downloaded on my IPad I could read those.
There is a Volunteer Opportunity that is calling my name. Will definitely look into that.
That area on my kitchen counter . . . needs a little bit of organizing.
WHO HAS TIME TO DRINK ANYMORE!!!!!
January 1, 2014 was the last day of employment for me. After 27 years in the same industry, at the same place, I retired. No more stress, no more trying to blot out a bad day with alcohol. It is done. It is not easy by any means old habits die hard. But I am so hopeful that I can actually do it now. I am not in Camp Hopeless anymore. I have a totally different attitude about it. I am not stressed out if I don’t do things perfectly. Its a process for me now. I am accepting any improvement shown as a positive step in the right direction. We are all on our own journey and although they are so similar they are also so different. Peace, Tranquility and Harmony. My new mantra.
I love the beginning of a new season. It seems like you can have a fresh start. Create on a clean white page so to speak. Although we are officially still in summer season, the beginning of September is a time for the old to die off. The symbolism of the leaves changing gives me hope to change things in my inner world too. Let go of the old stuff let it die with the old season. Get a cool crisp new start. Just like a sweet slightly tart apple. Take a big bite of it. Realize that there is something more for me.
I am making a new commitment to myself beginning today. Beginning today I am taking advantage of this new season. This new chance to once again turn over a new leaf to slough off the old and begin a new season in my life. Happy Fall!
I am still drinking. How many more day 1’s am I going to put myself through? I am so depressed. I am so tired of trying and trying and trying. I just thought that I was trying too hard that I just needed to relax and try to not try so hard. Where do you think that got me? Some days I think this is disgusting. I absolutely hate alcohol and while I am thinking this I am driving to the store to buy some. Does anyone out there know what I am talking about? How do I get passed this. What did you guys do to finally make it past day 3?
OK, deep breath. I am going to start with today. Today is Day 1. I am not going to drink today no matter what. No matter what life brings to me today, good or bad, happy or sad. If I experience the best day of my life today or the worst day of my life today I am going to deal with it without alcohol. I am going to stop punishing myself. I am going to stop hating myself and I am going to love myself enough to take care of myself just for today.
And tomorrow I am going to do it again.
Alright now that I have that out of the way. I am scheduled for a colonoscopy tomorrow. I have decided to get my long overdue physical. I have already gone for my mammogram and my bone density test. All came back good. And then I am going to my doctor in a few weeks and I want to be able to say that I don’t drink anymore. I am going to make that happen.
I am going to do this.
This is exactly how I feel. I am a new creature. I have decided to change. That’s what its all about after all isn’t it. A decision. A decision to want something different, something better. A decision to treat myself with dignity and respect. A decision to love myself and those around me more than an addictive substance. So I’ve changed.
I am so happy that I didn’t quit trying to quit. I’m not saying that I don’t still have a few Drinkzilla evil twin minutes of temptation a few times during the day but nothing like I have in the past. Or that I am doing this perfectly because I certainly haven’t mastered this yet. I can’t say Oh yeah, that problem I had with alcohol, well that’s behind me now. Next problem please. It’s still very much a problem. But it doesn’t seem like its impossible anymore. That I will never be able to do this. . . . Because I believe that I can.
I had to readjust my goals. I had to stop thinking about a 100 day challenge it was too insurmountable for me. I had start with a can I make it through this evening challenge, then a 2 day challenge. Then a 4 day challenge . . . can I make it past 4 days? Right now I’m on a 7 day challenge. Can I make it just a few more days to string together 7 days? The way I look at it I am still trying for the 100 day challenge I just am looking at it in smaller chunks of time. I’ll still get to the 100 days just shining a different light on it.
Yesterday was a really tough day for me. I ate everything but the kitchen sink. I started to leave the house telling myself that I was going to go and get an ice cream at the corner Dairy Queen store. But then I stopped in my tracks. It became crystal clear to me that Drinkzilla was lying to me again and I almost believed her. I was stuffed. I couldn’t have eaten another bite if I tried. I was really going to the grocery store to buy her some beer or wine since I was out anyway, and couldn’t eat anymore, so I put my purse back down and went into the living room and watched YouTube about how to make soap. Very interesting I might add. I might try to make some soap one of these days. If I do I’ll put it on a web site and you can all go there and order a bar or two.
So I am patiently waiting and sometimes not so patiently waiting, but still waiting. This drinking chapter in my life didn’t just suddenly happen and it is not just suddenly going to go away (someday I’ll share with you about that too, how this all transferred over to alcohol and got started). Because I will bet you a million dollars that there is a specialty group out there with the same start motivation as myself , but not today. I know that this is the right moment for me and I just need to be loving and supportive of myself and continue practicing patience. I’ll get to that 100 day milestone. Just wait and see.
In the beginning this seems to be the hardest part. Silencing the mind. Getting out of my head. Stop listening to the uselessly ridiculous noisy chatter. Stepping back. Realizing that what I am hearing is not really me. Not who I really am. I am so much more than that. How can I allow this to keep ruining my life. Keeping me from living the life I am destined to have. Stopping blessing from pouring down on to me. Clouding the visions and dreams I am trying to manifest into my existence.
Thoughts – – – Feelings how are they connected. Does it begin with a thought , true or not that turns into a feeling ? Or does it begin with a feeling that manifests into a thought. A thought that turns into an unwanted habit . A habit that becomes an obsession . An obsession that leads to a seemingly uncontrollable addiction. An addiction that chokes out the soul and blossoms into despair. The outcome being a place of darkness where the ridiculous noisy chatter is conceived and born. The self talk that says: You can’t do it, You are a hopeless case, It will never work for you, You are of weak character. You can’t resist. . . . and so the cycle begins again.
Today, I am not going to focus on my addiction. I am going to instead focus on quieting my mind. Today when I start to hear the negative self talk I am going to go to a quiet place and meditate and clear those untrue thoughts from my mind. Replacing them with this mantra I BELIEVE I AM WORTH IT. I BELIEVE I CAN DO IT. MY SOUL KNOWS WHAT TO DO TO HEAL ITSELF.